Your banana look like this?

What does it take to embarrass a conservative Republican? Nobody seems to know because the defining moment hasn’t yet been reached. The stupid ‘birthers’ have finally had it stuck in their eye (barring, of course, the stupid subset that will claim the newly released Obama certificate is a fake), and the next item being ‘Trumped Up’ is a series of vague questions and innuendos about Obama’s college transcripts. And the rabid panting birthers are lining up in the amen pew. I shudder to think that these citizens (I wonder if all of them could actually produce a long-form birth certificate or would they rely on the old family bible?) actually vote and control who runs the country.

I propose the next issue will be the loudly whispered and oft repeated rumor that Obama isn’t really a Christian (the best, you know) but is actually a Moslem. Hussein? And, there is an easy way to prove it: Mr. President, show us your dick. Yup, if it’s circumcised he is, and if it isn’t he isn’t. Unless he had a foreskin transplant to try to cover up the earlier surgery. With that possibility the former birthers, now called the ‘skinners’ will want an expert to examine said organ for evidence of tampering. Remember those clinics in Hong Kong where a woman can get her hymen reconstructed? Remember those clinics in Australia that add length and thickness to the male member by fat transplantation? Well my chickies, there is probably a clinic somewhere in Indonesia (WAIT!! OMG. He visited there lately!!!) where a foreskin can be reconstructed.

You think this is farfetched? Get real. Anybody that believes in Noah’s ark can be talked into anything.

Image: www.vidaefectiva.com.ve

The Final Tale of Firenze

This month, that's correct, THIS MONTH I noticed a 35 euro charge on my credit card from Hertz (Italy). What the hell? I immediately thought “Ahh. Credit card rip-off”. After a fairly quick inquiry the charge turns out to be correct.
Firenze, AKA Florence, is a wonderful (was) town to visit. Massive numbers of great things to see, including the original and copy of David, art museums, architecture out the wazoo and more. But it is a bitch to navigate in a car. They not only have the usual bewildering maze of Italian one-way streets, but they have added a twist: some streets CHANGE the direction of one-way depending on the time of day, and those changes are for the most part not posted. Cabbies know them; residents know them; tourists do not know them.
Our total driving in Firenze was to enter the city according to the Hotel-provided directions, get screwed up in a maze of one way streets, and then find the hotel. They took the car and we never saw it again until we left several days later. They asked the route we took getting to the hotel and said “Good. That was correct”.
The credit card charge: Thirty-five euros charged by Hertz to give my mailing address and id information to the Firenze Police for a summons for driving the wrong way on one of their shitty streets. Yes, the date coincides with our arrival, and the time is about when we were lost. I still haven’t heard from the Police, so I have no idea what the actual fine may be. And, being me, I will pay it. But it will cost Firenze dearly: We will NEVER go back there; no hotels, no restaurants, no snacks, and no admissions to museums, churches or any other damn thing.
And I recommend to all of you the same: STAY OUT OF FIRENZ. That is why this is the Final Tale of Firenze.
Image: http://mydinnerswithrichard.blogspot.com/2010/06/five-guys-me-florence-italy.html

Note from Woody

An editorial note to my friends on Facebook and Woody’s World: I use these forums to express my own thoughts and opinions on everything that occurs to me. Well, not Everything. Even I don’t have the courage to go into some waters. I really appreciate the fact that many of you read what I write and some are moved to comment. It is my choice to allow comments on essays is Woody’s World, and my choice to allow anyone in particular or everyone in general to comment on my musings, many of which are related to Woody’s World, on Facebook.

I mostly enjoy the back and forth that is sometimes generated and the pointed comments that sometimes fly. I hope you all remember, though, that these forums are my place to sound off, or pontificate or tell lies (which I don’t do but reserve the right to do so in the name of literary license) or act as a repeater for others. I do get uneasy when my threads are co-opetd for competing views that go way beyond comment and become threads in themselves. An example of this might be an essay of mine that comments on the role of conservative school boards in the dumbing down of science in favor of some religious text. Any reader is invited to chime in with a comment or two, but a full-fledged attack followed by arguments pro and con is better saved for the commenter to publish his or her own blog essay and reference it on my pages. See? My pages, my ideas. Your pages, your ideas?

In other words, keep the cards and letters coming, but publish the tomes on your own pages and invite people to read and comment. You can always block people you don’t like, or even defriend them. Jump into the deep end and express your own views in your own right. It really is fun and helps clarify the thought process. Just getting the image you want can be a real bitch sometimes, too.

Image: www.baretruth.wordpress.com

New Motto and New Pledge

I suggest that we begin to consider a new phrase on our money, and a new line in the Pledge of Allegiance.

First the money. The phrase “In God We Trust” has been on coinage since 1864 and was added to all US paper currency in1957 after congress adopted it as the national motto. I suggest that in 50 years or less, after the holocaust of global climate change is undeniable, it be changed to “In God We Trusted”.

Then the Pledge. The original pledge went like this:

'I pledge allegiance to my Flag and (to*) the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.' He (Bellamy) considered placing the word, 'equality,' in his Pledge, but knew that the state superintendents of education on his committee were against equality for women and African Americans. [ * 'to' added in October, 1892.] 1.

It has been changed a few times since, and by the early 1950’s the pressure was on for another change. This time the change would take the form of a purposeful ignoring of the Constitution. Under pressure from many religious organizations, including the powerful Knights of Columbus, and with the strong support of President Eisenhower (raised a Jehovah’s Witness and baptized a Presbyterian in the White House) the words “one nation under God” were added.
I propose that in 50 years or less that phrase be changed to “one nation under Water”, and the following be added: “with life preservers and fishing rods for all”.

1.http://oldtimeislands.org/pledge/pledge.htm . Francis Bellamy (1855 - 1931), a Baptist minister, wrote the original Pledge in August 1892.

Image: www.the--beauty--of--truth.com/bush

Impeach Rick Scott and the Tea Party Republicans!!!

Or recall them in a new election where this time the citizens of Florida will know what perverse and selfish bastards they are.

Sorry, but you can’t do that. (1) Not “May Not” but “Can Not”. Why? Well it is really very simple: the legislature and governors going back decades never had the cojones to pass the legislation to allow it. Never pushed a constitutional amendment hard enough to get it there either. I wonder why? I posit the following guess: They were and still are a bunch of cowardly frauds that are afraid of being chucked out of office for doing the “peoples will.” And since the Supreme Court of the land certified that corporations are people, I guess they actually are doing the peoples will. Incorporated people that is.

The party in power is very fond of saying that they are representing the peoples will in doing all the destructive crap they are doing. They say they are all for “jobs, jobs, jobs.” But when you systematically reduce the number of state employees over several years and continue with the “privatize” drum beating, you are “killing jobs, killing jobs, killing jobs.” If these neo-morons had any balls they would pass a recall or impeachment act and take their chances. They won’t though.

See, liberals have this bigger part of the brain that understands complexity while conservatives have this bigger part of the brain that is the source for fear and anxiety.(2) The sorry bastards just cannot help themselves: They are scared to death and anxious to put their crap to the real test.

And the liberals know exactly why.

1. http://www.moveon.org/r?r=207728&source=mo&id=26921-10783067-WgGOprx&t=2

2. http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_theticket/20110411/pl_yblog_theticket/will-president-obama-and-the-house-gop-ever-agree-science-suggests-no

Image: www.scienceblogs.com

Uterus - The New F-Bomb

Democrat Representative Scott Randolph was chastised by the Republican leadership? for using the word “uterus” on the house floor. In a response to a wave of deregulation of many formerly protective (of citizens, see Florida HB5005) rules and regulations Randolph was making the point that if his wife incorporated her uterus maybe the Republicans would deregulate her reproductive rights. After all, an incorporated uterus would be a small business and as such would have many voices of Republicans calling for no new uterus regulations and a removal of all previous regulations.

Randolph was told that the word “uterus” was inappropriate for young pages and interns to hear and that such language interrupted the decorum of the august chamber. Talking about forcing women to have and pay for an ultrasound, and forcing them to watch it, and forcing them to hear a stern talk from their doctor about the so-called pain and suffering a 6 week old blob feels (an outright lie) is absolutely fine for young ears to hear. What a bunch of two-faced bastards they are.

I recommend to all my women friends that you visit the website “Incorporate My Uterus” , http://www.incorporatemyuterus.com/ before it is too late. The legislature that has legalized bribery in the form of legal corporate contributions to their own “leadership fund” will be working hard to remove your control of your reproductive rights. Hurry. And, use the term “U-word” when possible to show solidarity with like-minded truly freedom seeking people.

Image: http://witwisdom.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/incorporate-your-uterus/

http://www.tampabay.com/blogs/the-buzz-florida-politics/content/democrat-chastized-saying-uterus-house-floor