surviving child abuse: one of the lucky ones

“Let This be Our Secret”: The Secret of the Abused Child

It came out of nowhere. An early morning, a basement, a cousin, name being called, mothers bedroom,questions,crying, shame, forgetting. The details buried.

Years later a sudden memory of murmured words "...it'll be fun...don't tell...pull down pajamas...be quiet..." Details return over the years. A cardboard fireplace stored in the basement, bright red bricks printed perfectly. In the corner. Perfect hiding place.

What happened? I still don't know for sure. Some details elude recall.

From early on a lingering sense of guilt about something recalled as a protective mother tried to get to the truth. She couldn't have known that the inquisition would be the first lasting memory. The session ended with "let this be our secret."

Well, it was. So far as I know, no one in the family ever knew that the cousin was an ---what?

And here the story pauses for a question. I have always been repulsed and revolted by the cousin. Had to be with him in many family gatherings. He never seemed to be different. Always playing, cutting up, joking with everyone, an all around goofy guy. He grew up to a hard life of failed work. Job after job. Wife after wife, more than a dozen kids all together and grandchildren by the score. The question is this: What exactly was/is he? Pedophile? Ordinary child abuser? Experimenting kid? Monster? Sick shit that should have been put down? You know, I really don't know because I know of no history except my own. I was 5 or 6 he was 12 or 13.

For years I didn't see him didn't want to see him didn't want to think about him. Then it happened. On a trip with my kids we stopped to see his mother. And he was there. Looming. And I realize that he was a sad, failed (for all his kids and grand kids who he loved and seemed to love him in return) human being. On the fringes of society moving from one menial job to another, unfocused. I couldn't hate him. I wanted to and told myself I would kill him when I saw him. But I couldn't hate him. And I didn't kill him. Instead we had dinner, a few beers and left. I kept a close eye on my boys.

Years later I think about him and what he did. How did that change me? I don't know that either. As Popeye is oft quoted "I yam who I yam" and "I yam what I yam". Me too. No point in dwelling, and I think the healing has long been underway. Forgiving is hard, but forgetting isn't going to happen. So I forgive him for his acts of long ago. Pax vobiscum.

One of the lucky ones? I think so. You see I knew something happened in that basement. I remembered something. Not all of it, but something. Many abused children suppress the abuse so deeply that they never know why they feel and act the way they do. They go through life damaged and guilt ridden and don't know why. One more effect of the assault. (see the July 28th 2009  post for another story on child abuse.)
Image: http://ylstc.weebly.com/uploads/1/0/4/1/10414578/6136082_orig.jpg

A story of guilt

I heard a story the other day about a young girl that had been sexually abused by a relative (that's mostly who does it) for 3 years. She was 11 or 12 when it started and it lasted for 3 years. She was a very small child, only 60 or 70 pounds, and the adult male hurt her physically as well as well as mentally. Now a young woman, she is trying to get her life on track again after years of suppressing the abuse and not knowing what happened to her as a child. And she is doing it, one day at a time, with the help of counseling and the support of friends. Family? Well, that's a problem. Mom and Dad are angry and hurt and in denial and judgemental and concerned and, well, they have mixed emotions. They didn't know (presumably) about the assaults. So she is trying to cope with the emotions bubbling up from her past and the guilt of the present. Keep in mind that she is completely innocent in all of this. The victim. The assaulted. The damaged. So why is she feeling guilty?
Ahh. That's the crux of this story for me. Guilt. One of the most destructive of all human emotions, and probably one of the tools in our evolutionary survival kit. Guilt seems to be a way of self policing. We do something our brain (experience culture teaching) says is not right and the guilt may help us to not repeat the offense. Maybe it works like that. But when guilt is co-opted and used by others it turns on us and can destroy the very essence of us. Many official and unofficial agencies are adept at using guilt as a weapon. Indeed that is the core of some religions. And it boils down to control. Make someone feel guilty and you can control them. And then they are yours.
"Masturbate? Shame on you. My book says it is wrong to do that. Come to me for penitence and forgiveness. I can save you. " " Disagree with the war? Shame on you. You are a bad American. Support me and you will be back in grace." Sound familiar? Really just control.
So why does our victim feel responsible. The only answer I can see is that the culture from which she came teaches that sex is a shameful thing to be done under cover of darkness and under cover. Procreation is a necessary evil but we must not talk about it. Women are unclean. Men are the perfect image of god. Women are to be used by men. Powerful men have a right to take what they want and women (or any one else) have no right to resist. All these ideas and more come into play.
Thousands of kids are physically, sexually and or mentally abused every day. They are powerless to resist so to survive many (maybe most) submit. And then suppress. And then spend much of the their lives not knowing why they are who/what they are. Why do we teach these ugly and destructive lies through our cultures? Why do we tolerate the continuing assault on children? Why don't we take back our power?
We don't tolerate the assault of children you say? Bull. There are millions of child slaves in the world today, thousands in this country and what is done about it? Do we invade west Africa to stop the trade in children? Do we boycott oil-rich countries that have the cultural "privilege" of using children for sex? Do we insist that "female circumcision" of children be outlawed and stopped? Do we arrest the hundreds (thousands?) of priests that have and continue to abuse children ? No, we don't. We look the other way until we are forced to look. Oh sure some prosecution is pursued. Child pornography is prosecuted when found (as it should be). But how often do you openly confront these issues?
I think the priests of power have so successfully taken over that for most people challenge would be unthinkable. And, of course, would make them feel guilty and unfaithful.
Human beings evolved culturally to exist in groups (clans tribes families) and this structure probably needs defined roles for the members. Someone must lead and someone must follow. That paradigm has been corrupted into the hell we find ourselves in now. Way out? I don't see one. Too many people in too little space with too few resources. And despotic leaders with wildly misguided goals. The Taliban. The genocides of the world (Bosnia, Tibet, Sudan, Congo, Iraq {only ethnic cleansing here, right?} to name a few). The Supreme Council of Iran. And others.
No, it goes on under our noses. We want/need oil so we look the other way. We want/ need trade so we look the other way. We want/need workers so we look the other way.
(Sorry, I digress sometimes into reality. Can't help myself. )
Back to the woman. She is working through her despair and guilt. She is smart and strong and will probably come out of this, not cured, but mended. Like a shattered cup that is glued back together. The cracks remain, and the whole is weaker than it could be, but it functions. It makes me so damn mad that these things continue unabated. Come on people. Speak out and get moving. The next abused child may be your own (child grandchild niece nephew) or a neighbor's child. Don't let these bastards get away with it. You suspect it already somewhere, don't you? You yourself may have been abused as a child. I was.