A Dream

In a dream I had the other night, I walked past a parked car and saw my brother Tom in the passenger seat. As is often the case in dreams, he was much younger than he is now. I stopped to ask why he was sitting there and he said "I don't know where I am". Then I noticed a cop approaching with several tickets in his hand. I asked what happened and he told me that my brother had rear-ended his police car. He showed me minor damage and then asked me who I was. I told him I was Tom's brother, and my name was Richard Search. He asked for I.D. so I gave him my drivers licence. He asked again what my name was. I told him again. Then he said "According to your licence, you are Tom Search, and his licence says he is Richard Search." He showed the licence with my picture and the name: Thomas Lee Search. I pulled out my new I.D. from work: Thomas Search and my picture. I ended the dream there, confused and wondering. If dreams mean anything at all, what could that switch possibly mean? Probably nothing at all, but still - - - - - .

Image: http://bellanimaphotography.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/twins-53.jpg

" 'til its chiseled in stone"

Vern Gosdin sang it:"You don't know about lonely 'til its chiseled in stone". It struck me that there are a couple of kinds of "lonely". There is the kind that you have when you are away from those you love, and the kind when you hear that someone you admire has died, the kind when you are between partners and no prospects on the horizon, and the kind Gosdin was singing about. The loss of your lifetime partner, lover and friend. That's the kind that makes me crazy with worry. My parents died and I felt alone, finally no one for backup. Several of my friends died and I felt left alone, never to hear or see them again. Soldiers die and I feel a sense of loss, not like a parent or partner would feel, but loss none-the-less. We seem to be surrounded by loss of one kind or another. Thousands of Haitians die and the feeling of sadness for the senseless loss is overwhelming.
I can and have coped with those kinds of loss. What I can't bear thinking about (but obviously am) is the loss of my dear Sally. No hidden hints here. Nothing going on that I am not telling. Just Gosdin's song that hit home like a spear in my heart. I just can't imagine the depth of that loneliness. I wrote an essay some time ago about the hardest thing ever faced or done. For me, lonely chiseled in stone has to top the list.
Gosdins song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUTyH8ZYZdA

Image: http://www.jjchandler.com/tombstone/

Essay: http://searchesworld.blogspot.com/2009/07/hardest-thing-i-have-ever-done.html